I’ve Pretty Much Been MIA

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. Sorry, I hope I didn’t lose any readers.

Anyways, I’ve been busy since I am engaged now. Lance and I aren’t having a wedding or a shower, we aren’t materialistic people and don’t want to ask people for gifts for what was our idea. No offence to anyone that’s into that, but it’s not our style. I am an independent person so Lance and I decided we would buy everything on our own. It’s been stressful, probably because I’m not one of those girls that gets distracted by a shiny ring. I see marriage for what it actually is.

I’ve been job hunting, mostly fruitless but just enough success to make it appear that Lance and I will be able to move to Florida after all. Goodness I literally inhaled my drink….okay I am better now. Anyways, looks like we might be in a different area than we wanted to be in but this area is great too. I am excited, also the rent is a SMIDGEN cheaper.

I can’t stress how annoyed I get when people tell me that the cost of living is high in Florida. Um really?? They say it as if I should just look at them and say “REALLY??? I had no idea, thanks I’ll just sit here in Alabama and watch my degree fester.” Maybe I’ll actually say that next time someone feels the need to tell me that.

In my eyes, anywhere worth living means paying high rent. I’m perfectly fine with that because I’m going to be struggling even more living here in agonizing Alabama with a shitty part time pharm.tech job than I would be with an actual career. I don’t understand how so many people are satisfied here. The place itself it great, Alabama is very pretty, especially where I live.  Its the damn people, it’s so suppressive here I can’t say anything without someone attacking me. I honestly can’t have an opinion. Mind you I still state my opinion it just results in rejection by my community. I literally detest where I live because of the people, as you know from reading all of my blogs. I want to live somewhere with LIFE. Like, real LIFE, like if my friends want to visit we can DO SOMETHING!!!! ANYTHING!!! Oh my gosh ANYTHING.

Back to the stress of getting married, I am not getting as anxious as I thought I would. I honestly think it’s because Lance and I are doing this the way WE want to. I thought I was not going to be able to get married because of how anxious I get in situations where all attention is on me. Then I realized that the only reason why anyone has a wedding is because society makes them think they are supposed to. It’s disgusting to me, you can’t REALLY just invite the people you want to. Not to mention whenever I told people we are engaged a grand total of like 5 people actually told me congratulations. I know that if I did have a wedding all those dummies that acted like they didn’t care would have a royal fit if I did not invite them and you know I would catch them pigging out on the food I bought for the reception. Disgusting, completely disgusting. I am not a sugar-coater. For this a lot of people get pissed at me but I don’t care because damn it someone has to be honest and while I would not consider any person 100% honest I do think I am more honest than most people are.

Now on to my disgust with showers. Bridal showers, baby showers, they are all the same. Someone in your family (even though it’s SUPPOSED to be a friend) feels morally obligated to throw the stupid thing, all the while brain bitching about the costs,etc. You feel obligated to invite everyone, even the people you don’t like because you can’t invite so and so without so and so finding out. They feel obligated to go, they are bitching about it the whole way there yet they feel it is their duty to buy you a 20 dollar gift that was NOT on your registry and you have nothing in the world to do with it.

You have to sit there eating nasty cheap walmart cake, that’s enough to make me vomit in my mouth in itself, you have to talk to everyone on both sides of the family and face it, you are dreading it just as much as everyone else is because you know you will be pulled in every single direction.

Don’t get me started on those stupid games.

You get all these presents and, to your surprise (since after all you DID register), you got nothing you needed.

Now the materialistic aspect, though I don’t think it rude when I am invited to a shower because I like buying my friends gifts for their house, baby, whatever, I HATE the concept of saying “hey I decided to get married, buy me something or I will hold a secret grudge against you.” Are you serious? I realize that the whole getting married thing was my and Lance’s idea. To be honest, I am even reconsidering having an engagement ring because I know damn well that the money is more important and will get us farther than a ring on my finger will.

Now the mantality behind bridezillas, I heard several women say the only reason they are inviting people to their showers was for presents. Absolutely disgusting. Not all women are like this though, my super sweet friend just got married and told me not to buy her anything, she just wanted me to be there. Of course she received a 25.00 grocery gift card from me but that is because I love her and wanted to support her.

Why can’t people handle it when I say I want simple? My side of the family gets it perfectly, my fiancee’s does not, however. Lance and I were planning everything, plans were going our way and everything made since. Of course this didn’t fly well. His mother wanted to throw a shower for me and kept buying us things. Things that we didn’t tell her we wanted. It was driving me nuts, I know she means well, really I do and I love her very much she is literally a second mother to me but I am just focusing on graduating right now. My and Lance’s main concerns are graduating and getting a job. Afterall, can’t really get married without a job. Her actions overwhelmed me so much that I literally had a breakdown. It was then when I realized that upon getting engaged doctors should write an rx for an epipen-type device that holds 10mg of Valium that one can inject into herself when having an attack like this.

Now my mother, she cracks me up. Everytime I look at furniture she picks out something that costs like 400 dollars…Mom I make like 8 an hour and lance makes like 9 are you serious? I keep telling her “MOM I can’t afford that and when I say I can’t I mean I can’t not I want to find something cheaper but really I can spare the cash.” She just doesn’t get it and it’s upsetting. I think the things we are getting are nice, they aren’t the best but they are things that we can spruce up to look really good. She makes me feel bad about it though. We  bough a kitchen table set and I told her we would have to keep a table cloth on it since it is rough and she told me to take it back. I kept telling her it was the best thing we could afford but she just kept talking about how I needed to return it. I thought I liked the table but she made me feel so bad about it that all I could do was cry on Lance’s shoulder and tell him how poor I feel like I am. I felt aweful about everything we had bought. Up until that point I liked the table but I started crying about it and hated it just because of how my mom was acting.

I think she overheard me because when Lance left she told me we could staple a vinyl table cloth to it and then cover it with a cotton table cloth if it was too bad.

She hurts me so badly sometimes, I could never tell her that because she’s ALWAYS right. Ugh. I detest that kind of behavior. Anyways, I think I’ll stop showing my mom the stuff Lance and I buy.

I predict next controlling parent moment will be when we are looking for an apartment, I can see it now. Both set of parents having a fit to go with us. For some reason Lance’s horrendous step sisters will be there trying to have sex with all the guys in the apartment complex, his brother will be running up the electricity bill before we can even get it connected, my mom will say its not good enough and try to get us to rent a more expensive one, Dad will try to speak up in my behalf and they will argue and Lance’s parents will be thinking of redneck stuff for me to decorate with and my brother will be surprisingly helpful. Oh and everyone will think they are staying with us. Boo.

Amidst all this insanity I made a startling discovery: I have never had a conversation directly with my dad. Everything has been through my mother. This is very discouraging to me. I love my dad very much and he is such a good man but everything I say to him is so filtered through my mom. I really want to get a better relationship with my dad, I mean we have a good one, but I feel like I don’t really know him as well as I want to. I just know my dad through my mother’s perception since he’s always worked and if she doesn’t want me to discuss something with my dad she’ll tell me he doesn’t want to hear it or he won’t like it,etc.